The early 2010s were truly wild. If you define “wild” by literally every studio wanting to have its own “young adult” franchise, they could milk and ran to the ground so deep they’d disturb Satan’s slumber. This film isn’t even trying to hide it, and that somehow makes it so much worse. Before I continue, let me say one thing – this review is only about this movie, and this movie alone. I’ve never read the books, they could be the best, the most amazing stories ever written, and the movie just couldn’t transfer them properly onto the silver screen. That happened many times before. As I am about to criticize the story mainly, just putting it out there, everything I am about to write is only aimed towards this… abomination.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (that just rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?) starts fairly well. You are intrigued as the movie doesn’t waste any time, so great. I also enjoy Lily Collins, who I think is a pretty capable actress, so I can only imagine that she was given some dodgy (as we say here in Scotland, you are welcome for that) directions. As she was… not bad, but boring in this? But to be perfectly honest, I don’t blame her. Or any of the other actors involved. Come to think of it, you can’t convince me otherwise that Lena Headey had a much bigger role, but since she saw how the movie is going, she wrote in the script that her character will stay still there in a coma. Was it a coma? Who knows who cares. Usually, I am against people not doing their best, but with this role, all I am saying is, good for you, Lena. You take that money just for being still for most of the movie!

As mentioned before, the biggest issue for me was the story. More precisely, how it felt like the people behind this took big chunks of most of “young adult” novels before this one, put it into a shitty blender, and turned it on. But since it was a shitty blender, it didn’t even blend properly. So yes, we have vampires and werewolves! But what’s that, you say? Sounds familiar? Well, we have demons too! And shadows and portals, and magic, and “mysticism” and the most obvious family, who don’t know they are family and… It infuriates me just writing down, reliving the film again.

I understand most of the stories we see today are “copy of a copy” to some extent. And I totally get it. I subscribe to the idea that 99% of all the stories that could have been told have been told already. And only every once in a while somebody comes along, who gives us something new to consider. But since that is happening less and less now, we need to be happy with “copies of those copies”. And as long as those films/books/games have some unique twist, a different point-of-view, that hasn’t been explored before, I am down. But every once in a while comes something like this that makes me say: “I can’t believe this, but I do miss Twilight (2008).” Because no matter what, those movies were first. Yeah, I know that technically Harry Potter franchise would be considered first, but not really, as that is a universally beloved series. As it’s just way too late for that kind of movie, as proven by the fact there hasn’t been any talk of a sequel. And it’s not for the lack of trying and “setting stuff up for later” in this film.

The only good thing I can say about this film is… It’s moving along nicely…? No, there are some parts (step-daddy, who sure enough, turns out to be “crucial” for a scene later) that drag on. Maybe just Lily and Lena, especially Lily, is trying her best to do something better? But since Lena is taking her well-deserved coma/nap for most of the movie, she’s alone.

Overall, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones was a pain to watch. My eyes had to work overtime, given the number of eye rolls I’ve done throughout the movie. I find it easier to write reviews for either really great movies or really bad ones, as those are more fun to write about that than your most average film. But there only are so many ways you can write “this movie is just plain awful” it stops being fun anymore. I won’t waste your time, my time or precious kilobytes of data. Even if you are a hardcore fan of Lily Collins, do stay away.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I was not ready for this. I have seen trailers, I have seen the reviews, I have heard movie people rejecting this movie in unison, telling you (and me) not to watch it, even out of sheer curiosity. Have I listened? No. I just needed to see it for myself to believe… it. To believe, that even in 2019, with budget of almost 100 million dollars, with a studio behind this movie, with great talent both in front of the camera and behind it, something like this is still possible to make. Cats is truly once in a lifetime experience, where you are terrified, confused, slightly excited (why do some of them look sexy?!) and just stare at the screen for its entire length with your jaw open, wondering how the fuck movie like this went through the studio system, without somebody, someplace trying to stop this from ever being released.

I have a proud “tradition” of always finishing every single movie I watch. No matter how bad a movie is/gets, how it infuriates me, I have never not finished a movie I started. And let me tell you something, it’s been a long time since I have been so tempted to do this, but while watching Cats, I honestly wasn’t even curious where this nightmare fuel is going. As everything was so bizarre, so all over the place, I actually tried to imagine doing a live review, as I was watching the movie. It might look like this:

What is Jellicle? Why should I care? Why do the say it all the time? Can somebody stop them?

Is Heaviside Layer cats’ heaven?

Why do those cats look like deep-fakes?

Is that Idris… Oh my god, that is Idris Elba.

Can somebody just end my suffering?

For being the centre of attention (protagonist), Victoria sure doesn’t talk much.

Are some of these fucking cats magicians now? Is Idris Elba Thanos mixed with Nightcrawler?

Rebel Wilson has just been told to spread her legs as many times as possible, wasn’t she?

Wait, do cats wear cat suits and if so, WHY? Did Rebel’s character just undress from a cat suit?

Is this how Christians believe hell looks like?

Oh my god, I didn’t think it’s possible to dislike James Corden even more, but Jesus, he’s not funny in this at all.

Who thought Jason Derulo should have a British accent? Because I don’t trust that person with opening of a pickle jar with no lid.

Why does Jennifer Hudson look LIKE THAT?! They all look fake as fuck, but what’s up with her face?!

Why does Dame Judi Dench look like half cat and half plucked chicken? Why is she in this movie?

Why is Sir Ian McKellen in this? Did they seriously make him lick a milk from a plate?

Will the suffering ever end?

Of course that’s Taylor Swift. Did she seriously been given just one line to read?

Why do these cats still have human hands and feet and not paws?!

Oh, Memories is on again, hopefully that’s the end now. Did Jennifer just ascended? What does that mean? Will she be reborn, or did she just become a cat Jesus?

Oh my god, this is not the end?

Judi Dench is talking to a camera, surely that’s the en… MOTHER FUCKER! End already!

I honestly can’t produce a normal review, as this is beyond any normality. I was trying to wrap my head around what’s happening, why is it happening and most importantly, how could a movie like this be improved? And I think I might figured it out. The entire point of Cats is this no ordinary movie, so Tom Hooper doesn’t make sense to direct this, as he’s as “ordinary” as they come. If this movie needed to exist (and it didn’t) it should have been done properly, with a mad genius at helm – this movie needed David Lynch.

I know what you are thinking, “WTF? Why him? He doesn’t have any experience wit musicals, or Broadway?” and sure, in this instance, it would have been a challenge for him. But in every other aspect, this movie needed somebody to fully embrace every single weird aspect of this mad, mad cat world and if Lynch has proven anything in his rich career spanning 40+ years now, he is not just a friend with weirdness, weirdness is getting some coffee and Christmas cards from him every year. Just before the end of this movie, it finally clicked to me, this doesn’t work because it’s done half way. Couple of examples – they are cats, but don’t have paws. The actors are fully aware of the absurdity, so they are not fully in that world. Lynch would have embraced every single detail, everything. I am not saying he’d have fixed it, but at least it would be something.

Let me put it this way – I would highly recommend you watching one of his newer shorts, called What Did Jack Do? (2017) as it’s amazing. A 10 minute short film, with just Lynch and talking monkey called Jack, where David is trying to figure out what did the monkey do, as of course, the monkey talks. But, in those 10 minutes you get into the story, because Lynch doesn’t do anything halfway and embraces the weirdness, so at the end, you do understand what Jack did. And it’s a great, weird short. And that is my point – if he could make you believe in just 10 minutes that talking monkey is absolutely normal thing, he could even make a movie like Cats work. I don’t know how well, that’s a different debate all together, but he would have given us fascinating, once in a lifetime experience, where it’s entirely possible you might not be thinking about “is this what hell feels like?” while watching it.

See, it’s not possible to write a normal review for Cats. Do you honestly believe that I knew I will advocate for this movie to be remade with David Lynch in charge? No, I didn’t think I will go there, but it happened. Because I didn’t know how to grasp this review, as is the same as watching this movie – an out of body experience like no other, that leaves you terrified, speechless and strangely aroused (don’t even get me started on the butthole cut of this movie, let’s not even open that can of worms).

I can’t recommend you watching this, don’t be like me and trust the people who have been there before you – even out of curiosity, this movie isn’t worth it. I really felt bad for Francesca Hayward as you can tell she’s a talented dancer and singer and I honestly hope that it will only get better from here onwards for her. I mean, I needs to be right…? Right…?

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke