It’s been a while since I have seen The Wicker Man (1973), but I remember liking it. Yes, it was weird, creepy, and slightly all over the place, but there was this almost hypnotising beauty to it. Well, this movie seems like it was ahead of its time (a bit) and took it as almost a challenge to remake this film into something much weirder. Do you remember, a couple of years ago, there were (and to a point, still are) challenges for everything (cinnamon, planking, knife etc.)? It seemed like this movie went ahead and challenged itself that they could do a film that’s much weirder than its predecessor. Even though nobody wanted it, needed it or even challenged them…? And that’s how we got The Wicker Man. The myth, the legend of a film… for all the wrong reasons, unfortunately.

First of all, let’s address the Cage in the room. I mean, eleph… never mind, we all know. Even if you have never seen this film, you have probably watched the infamous “Not the BEES!” scene on YouTube. I know I had. And imagine my absolute disgust when I realised the awful version of this awful movie DID NOT have that scene? Yes, there are apparently two versions of this film, and somehow I have seen the one without that glorious scene? How is that even possible?

The Wicker Man is, to put it mildly, a terrible movie. And not because it’s weird or hilarious at times when it doesn’t mean to be (the flashback scene Nicolas Cage keeps having, mainly on the boat, is the most I’ve laughed in a while), no. It’s a terrible movie, because and I don’t say this lightly – nothing works here. The story drags on even though it’s supposed to be “mysterious”. Everybody’s acting dial is turned to 11, when the movie required maybe six, possibly seven at times. The dialogue is wooden. The camera looks off. And then we have Nic Cage. We need to talk about Nic Cage.

Look, I like him. I am one of those people who admires the choices he makes, even though they are often unconventional. I 100% agreed with him winning the Oscar for his performance in Leaving Las Vegas (1995) because I thought that even though, at times, it might have been “out there”, I believed him. But in this film, it’s like he’s not on the same planet anymore. It’s like he took some new drugs that transported his soul onto a different, parallel universe, and he made all the choices based on that skewed universe, where they might have made sense. But in our universe, his performance stands out so much movie fans often talk about Cage being awful, resulting in this movie being rubbish. But I would argue the film might be even worse, but somehow, Cage’s performance is so distracting we (the viewers) often forget how awful everything around Cage is, so he is the final nail in this coffin of a movie.

I go into every film trying to find something positive, to like it. You might have noticed that I often rate movies higher than other film people. But in this instance, I can’t do it. The only “good” thing I can say about The Wicker Man is, at times, you might find yourself laughing. But unfortunately, even that is wrong, as what you will laugh at wasn’t meant to be funny.

Maybe one more thing before I sign off – this movie made me realise how much I miss seeing Leelee Sobieski in films. As with everybody else in this film, she wasn’t great. But she’s always had this presence about her in every movie I’ve seen her in, and there is something mysteriously charming about her eyes; I simply can’t get over it. I know she’s retired from acting, but I hope she might reconsider and come back. There is simply something about her, even in this abomination.

Overall, The Wicker Man is a disaster masked as a film. If you want to see something unique, do yourself a favour and watch the original instead of this remake. And I am not saying that as somebody who would be “crazy in love” with the original either (it was a solid 3.5* for me). But this film… it’s honestly spectacular how every choice they’ve made was somehow wrong.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Throughout my first (and probably last) ever watch of this Santa Clause trilogy, I’ve repeatedly asked myself a question: “Am I too old for this? To see past this trilogy’s flaws and just enjoy them for what they are?” And while watching The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause, I felt like the Principal Skinner meme (“No, it’s the children who are wrong!“) because they simply are. Look, I can somewhat see how people can enjoy the first two films (The Santa Clause, 1994, my review here and The Santa Clause 2, 2002, my review here) of this trilogy, but with this one… if you can enjoy it because you grew up watching it, great. I am honestly happy for you. But we need to be honest here and admit that this sequel is the one that stretches everything to the maximum, mainly our patience.

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (that’s a long title) felt like a movie pitch someone made as a joke, and the studio was so desperate for another Christmas movie with already established IP (intellectual property) they just said: “Sure.” And didn’t ask questions like: “Are we sure we have a story to support a feature-length film?” or “Are we sure this makes sense and isn’t too contrived even for a kids movie?” And that was 100% a mistake because that was precisely how I felt watching this film. Through its entire length (only 97 minutes, but it felt like double that), the movie spends most of its time setting up a villain in Jack Frost (played by Martin Short) because… he is mad nobody takes him seriously? On top of that, we get the family plot-line with pregnant Elizabeth Mitchell and her parents (how did they get Ann-Margret and Alan Arkin to star in this film, I will never understand) visiting the North Pole. Except, they don’t know it is the North Pole, and everybody is pretending it’s Canada. And look, it’s kind of funny the first two or three times, but even that joke overstays its welcome.

Unfortunately, that sentence could be the real sub-title for this movie, “The Santa Clause 3: Overstaying its Welcome”. If you think about how hard is it to make a decent comedy sequel that doesn’t feel cheap, and it’s still funny, imagine that, but times ten. Because I think they set themselves up with an almost impossible task – not only to make a sequel but to make a Christmas movie sequel. They were trying to replicate not only the laughs but something that can’t be duplicated – the spirit of (mainly) the first film. Here’s the thing – the creative people behind this realised that, but it was too late to do anything. So what can you do if you can’t recreate the Christmas magic? You double, no, triple down on the “comedy” of everything. Farts, kids like farts, right? Let them rip Puns about Canada! Sold, what’s next?! Seeing Jack Frost sabotaging everything? Hillarious! Also, you can bet that everything gets resolved within a minute.

You might have noticed I didn’t talk too much about the “plot” yet. That’s because there isn’t much to talk about, as everything in this film felt random. Suddenly, snow globes are not only important, but they are a vital part of being Santa, and you can always take it back…? Take back being Santa? What? How? And the way Santa is “tricked” into saying the one phrase that can activate it is just beyond ridiculous. Look, I understand the concept of “It’s a kids movie.” But I honestly believe that people behind this film still thought kids are so dumb, they will go with whatever they serve them. If the rise of Pixar proved anything, is the kids can handle much more layered themes and stories without the need to dumb everything down for them.

Thinking about how surprisingly great this cast is (everyone but David Krumholtz returned) for this final movie, plus we have two “new” great actors to portray Elizabeth’s parents, and this is the best they had? What could have (and should have, to be honest) been one last hoorah for most of the cast and crew just turned into a messy “adventure” that doesn’t make sense, tries to earn some cheap “sentimentality points”, and doesn’t work on any level.

The only saving grace for this movie is the cast, mainly our titular duo – Tim Allen and Elizabeth Mitchell. I can honestly say they both seemed to be doing their very best for this film not to end up like a disaster and didn’t seem to be “over it”. Everybody else (Martin Short included) did their very best with what they were given and had some moments but not enough. But I wouldn’t blame them. Because again, this idea would have been much better for a short movie (maybe some reunion special) that’d run for a maximum of 30 minutes, rather than a feature-length film.

Overall, The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause is one way, how not to finish your trilogy. All the elements and cast are there, but the main ingredient (a story that makes sense) was missing. So prepare yourself for a villain everyone should see through instantly, for pregnant Mrs Clause (will the elves deliver the baby?), and some weird time travelling stuff. I can’t imagine anyone enjoying this film unless you grew up watching it every Christmas. And even then, you’d know this was, without any question, the weakest one out of this trilogy.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I remember that day like it was yesterday – I was 15 years old (that sentence sounds really terrifying almost 15 years later, well nobody’s getting any younger) and somehow, the tiny city I lived in at that time, had a local cinema, that wasn’t really packing crowds on a good evening, if you know what I mean. But somehow, the owner back then, managed to preview this movie the same day as the international premiere, so for that one evening showing, the cinema was properly packed. That was the first and the last time I’ve seen that cinema fully packed.

I remember really liking the movie (but then, I was 15, so that’s not saying that much) and my mum, who’s read the book prior, really loved it. Over the years, this movie became one of our “safe choice” films. Those are movies we would pop in any time we wouldn’t feel like watching something new, so we would play something we had seen a few times prior. Kind of like a background noise, where you don’t necessarily watching it fully, but still catch yourself watching some scenes, as the movies would usually be entertaining. And that to me is the perfect definition of The Da Vinci Code – don’t think about it too hard (you can’t really) and just try to enjoy it.

I haven’t read the book, but I have been told by people it’s highly readable material (as most of Dan Brown’s books apparently are) but I can tell why this book would be popular – it really dives into something, people nowadays gravitate towards – conspiracy theories. Where somebody tells you: “Everything you know is a lie. Here’s the real truth!” Just think about it – we live in a world, where people believe or don’t believe in:

• Vaccines
• Global Warming
• Flat Earth
• COVID-19 being caused by goverment
• COVID-19 being caused by 5G towers
• COVID-19 being born in lab in China (yep, plenty of COVID-19 theories around).

And this is just a top of an iceberg I don’t really want to sink into. And it’s by no means a new thing, but because of the internet being so widely accessible, now more than ever, anybody can voice their opinions on some blog, pretending like they know anything about what they are writing about (like me and this blog! Oh, wait… have I become one of them? Harvey Dent from The Dark Knight was right all along, you either die a hero, or you live a long enough to see yourself become the villain…)

Anyway, back to The Da Vinci Code, don’t expect a history lesson, any historical accuracy (well, there is some, but not a lot) or anything to actually chew on, as this movie is just a fast food of movies. Which every once in a while, is not a bad thing, especially if you know not to take it for something this movie isn’t. If you do your own research (dammit, I’m sounding like the conspiracy people again!) you will see how much Dan Brown made up, or tweaked to fit into his narrative. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it only becomes a bit dangerous when you are adamant about it being real (read it for yourself here).

And this is something I’ve always struggled with when comes to The Da Vinci Code – even though I know I shouldn’t enjoy it as much as I do, because of these half-truths and twisted facts, but I still do enjoy this, as for me, this is purely a work of fiction. And if I am judging it based on that criteria alone, it shall pass (yes, Sir Ian McKellen is in this movie) on the movie being just entertaining enough, that I don’t mind anything else. Plus, the film’s run time is 2 hours 29 minutes, but it never feels like that, and that’s a definite plus in my book.

I would recommend this movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon, where there is nothing better on, it’s raining and you just want to cuddle up on a sofa with something, that grabs your attention, but it doesn’t demand a lot from you. If you take this movie as it is, and won’t be expecting any historically accurate drama, I think you might actually have a decent time with this.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I remember like it was yesterday – one day in 2006, my (back then) best mate and I went to see this film in our local cinema. We’d never shut up, we’d always have plenty of things to talk about, but when the movie started, we wouldn’t talk to each other for the entirety of its length. Not even single “Wow” or “That’s so cool.” And that continued some time after coming out of the theater, we’d just walk towards his bus stop, silently, with occasional “fucking hell, what a movie”. We were literally out of words and mind blown by that movie as we haven’t seen anything like that before (we were both just 14/15, but still).

Ever since that experience, I’ve seen this movie 2 more times, one of them being tonight to refresh my memory and see how I feel about it, and also to introduce it to my girlfriend. She loved it, as she was mainly mesmerized by all the abs… and yeah, there’s plenty of good looking, built men. Some might say you get to question your sexuality in some scenes, you know those are really nice looking men, with oily abs and… what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, how do I feel about the movie?

I still love it. Sure, it does have its issues, some slow-mo shots were slightly over the top and other might’ve been unnecessary, some might say it’s over-stylized, it’s over the top in general, BUT… this is a movie you need to meet on ITS own terms.

What I still love about this movie is it announces itself really early on, and tells you straightaway – hey, this is how this movie’s going to look like, feel like and if you accept it and just give in, you will enjoy this Greek/Scottish (oh Gerard I know you’ve tried to tone down your Scottish accent, but it slips out in some scenes) ride to the fullest and at the end you might not be sick.

What might help in your enjoyment of this movie is this fact I’ve stumbled upon while browsing Reddit the other day, that stuck with me and I truth to be told, have never realized until I’ve read it:

I don’t know if this is what Zack Snyder was trying to say, maybe he just thought it’d be cool to have elephants, and giant monsters and sorcerers, but it does make it more “believable” as propaganda is a strong tool, even in our times.

Before ending this review, I do want to give a “shout-out” to Lena Headey and Dominic West where both actors are given fairly limited space, but mainly Lena does well with what she’s given and she makes a memorable Queen. And Dominic’s sleazy senator is also memorable, for entirely different reason.

That’s it for 300! What did you think, did you like it, or was it too much for you? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke