The early 2010s were truly wild. If you define “wild” by literally every studio wanting to have its own “young adult” franchise, they could milk and ran to the ground so deep they’d disturb Satan’s slumber. This film isn’t even trying to hide it, and that somehow makes it so much worse. Before I continue, let me say one thing – this review is only about this movie, and this movie alone. I’ve never read the books, they could be the best, the most amazing stories ever written, and the movie just couldn’t transfer them properly onto the silver screen. That happened many times before. As I am about to criticize the story mainly, just putting it out there, everything I am about to write is only aimed towards this… abomination.

The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (that just rolls of the tongue, doesn’t it?) starts fairly well. You are intrigued as the movie doesn’t waste any time, so great. I also enjoy Lily Collins, who I think is a pretty capable actress, so I can only imagine that she was given some dodgy (as we say here in Scotland, you are welcome for that) directions. As she was… not bad, but boring in this? But to be perfectly honest, I don’t blame her. Or any of the other actors involved. Come to think of it, you can’t convince me otherwise that Lena Headey had a much bigger role, but since she saw how the movie is going, she wrote in the script that her character will stay still there in a coma. Was it a coma? Who knows who cares. Usually, I am against people not doing their best, but with this role, all I am saying is, good for you, Lena. You take that money just for being still for most of the movie!

As mentioned before, the biggest issue for me was the story. More precisely, how it felt like the people behind this took big chunks of most of “young adult” novels before this one, put it into a shitty blender, and turned it on. But since it was a shitty blender, it didn’t even blend properly. So yes, we have vampires and werewolves! But what’s that, you say? Sounds familiar? Well, we have demons too! And shadows and portals, and magic, and “mysticism” and the most obvious family, who don’t know they are family and… It infuriates me just writing down, reliving the film again.

I understand most of the stories we see today are “copy of a copy” to some extent. And I totally get it. I subscribe to the idea that 99% of all the stories that could have been told have been told already. And only every once in a while somebody comes along, who gives us something new to consider. But since that is happening less and less now, we need to be happy with “copies of those copies”. And as long as those films/books/games have some unique twist, a different point-of-view, that hasn’t been explored before, I am down. But every once in a while comes something like this that makes me say: “I can’t believe this, but I do miss Twilight (2008).” Because no matter what, those movies were first. Yeah, I know that technically Harry Potter franchise would be considered first, but not really, as that is a universally beloved series. As it’s just way too late for that kind of movie, as proven by the fact there hasn’t been any talk of a sequel. And it’s not for the lack of trying and “setting stuff up for later” in this film.

The only good thing I can say about this film is… It’s moving along nicely…? No, there are some parts (step-daddy, who sure enough, turns out to be “crucial” for a scene later) that drag on. Maybe just Lily and Lena, especially Lily, is trying her best to do something better? But since Lena is taking her well-deserved coma/nap for most of the movie, she’s alone.

Overall, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones was a pain to watch. My eyes had to work overtime, given the number of eye rolls I’ve done throughout the movie. I find it easier to write reviews for either really great movies or really bad ones, as those are more fun to write about that than your most average film. But there only are so many ways you can write “this movie is just plain awful” it stops being fun anymore. I won’t waste your time, my time or precious kilobytes of data. Even if you are a hardcore fan of Lily Collins, do stay away.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Before I sink my teeth into this masterpiece, I need to explain something. As a child of the ’90s, tiny Luke was growing up without the Internet. So the only source of some excitement was the TV, which I fell in love with (and that stayed with me ever since). And on that TV, there was this TV show, pretty popular at the time, called Baywatch (1989 – 2001). I am not saying I was an avid fan of this TV show, but I have seen some episodes, and this is where my crush on two ladies started – Pamela Anderson and Carmen Electra. When you say “90’s symbols”, those two names always pop up in my mind. And to this day, I have a weak spot for both. That brings me to Barb Wire.

I went into this film expecting nothing but a cheesy, guilty pleasure of a movie with Pamela in her prime. And various outfits, that would… look pretty great on her. I was ready for something unwatchable that will be objectively bad. And to my surprise, it wasn’t THAT bad…? Don’t get me wrong, you are not about to read a review, trying to say: “Barb Wire is a forgotten masterpiece, here’s why we should all appreciate it more.” No. This movie is everything I have named – dumb, cheesy, objectively bad. But, it doesn’t take itself too seriously. The pacing is pretty great (it never feels boring) and most importantly, towards the end, the action sequences are not bad. Respectively, I have seen way worse action scenes in much better movies.

Even though I have just admitted my weakness for the one and only Pamela, I will be the first to say she isn’t a great actress by any stretch of the imagination. Even in her movie, she seems to only have three “modes” – mad, sexy and both of the above, at the same time. Sometimes, her line delivery was just plain cringy. And yet, even she, deep down, knows that. And that allows her to be above it. She doesn’t take herself too seriously, so it almost feels like she’s in on the joke with us. At least, that is how it felt to me.

What the movie got (surprisingly) right was that in 2017, America would be divided. And there will be “the second Civil War”. Ok, maybe they are not in the war literally, but if you switched on the news in the last five years or so, you need to give it to this film as they were right about something… kind of. 😉

And yes, you do get those laughable scenes, like having an exposition title screen in the beginning only to have a character in the movie repeating pretty much the same things later on. You know, for the people in the back, who didn’t get it. Or some action scenes where Pam should be kicking ass, but she’s doing it in some giant heels. I am not saying it’s impossible, all I am saying is it would have been way more difficult to kick ass in heels. But this kind of criticism (albeit valid) is misguided. To me, if you see a poster for this movie and don’t expect scenes like that in it… that’s like being mad at a toddler for not doing anything but sleeping, eating and shitting. That’s what they are meant to do!

Because that’s the thing about Barb Wire. Yes, I could make a PowerPoint presentation with thousands of slides, detailing point by point, why is this a bad movie. And all those points would have been valid. But these bad movies to me, live or die not on “objectivity” (because if I was truly objective, I would have to rate it the lowest mark possible) but on the entertainment level. How paced they are, how funny (intentionally or unintentionally) they are, will I remember the film a year from now? But most importantly, have I suffered while watching?

So, since we’ve established Barb Wire truly is a bad movie, let’s answer the questions I posed earlier. The pacing of this film is superb. There isn’t anything worse than a bad movie that also feels like it’s taking its time with every single scene. We all have been there you are watching a film, that feels like four hours when in reality, it’s only 80 minutes. This one luckily doesn’t fall into that category, as it flows quite well, I have never felt bored. I have laughed (to clarify, chuckled) throughout most of the film. Thinking about how the ’90s were truly such a unique decade for movies, where almost anything was possible. Just think about this movie that’s based around Pamela kicking ass while wearing pretty tight outfits. When comes to my other questions, yes, mainly because of Pamela and some bad line reading, I will definitely remember this film a year from now. And have I suffered while watching this masterpiece? No. I had fun with it, as I’ve accepted the film on its level. Now, am I saying I will be in any rush going back to it, “study” it further, to prove it’s not a lesser movie that just put one of the hottest women of the ’90s in some sexy outfits and called it a day? No, I won’t be rushing back. But at the same time, I don’t regret watching this film. Yeah, life works in mysterious ways.

Overall, Barb Wire is one of those movies that surprised me. Not by being better than expected, but by simply being watchable enough, where I had reasonable fun with it. The movie is a crazy fever dream of some executive who was also high on cocaine, no doubt about that. But at the same time, it’s not trying to be anything more it seemed fully aware of what it is and mainly what it isn’t. The pacing was decent, and some action sequences towards the end were even entertaining enough. If you don’t have a weak spot for Pamela (like me), deduct a star or more from my rating. And yes, my rating is probably a bit too high and does not truly reflect the “quality” of this movie, but again. Barb Wire is a “good” bad movie. It’s only up to you how much you enjoy these types of movies.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Believe it or not, this movie kept avoiding me. I’ve heard about it ever since it came out, how great and funny it was. But for whatever reason, I have never seen it. Until a couple of days ago when I finally corrected that mistake. Let’s be honest, romantic comedies can be great, but most of them are not, as they fall into the same traps over and over again. For example, two beautiful people, who are clearly meant to be together, are fine for most of the film. Until there is a usually simple misunderstanding or a conflict, that in the real world would have been resolved within a five-minute conversation. And then, there is the big romantic finish, where everything gets cleared up again. Wash, rinse, repeat. That is why I was so pleasantly surprised with this film, as it did… none of those things.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding is first of all, really funny. The genius of this film is simple – you don’t have to be Greek (even though every word can be traced back to the Greek language, did you know that?) to spot some of your family members in this film. I am originally from the Czech Republic, and even I could weirdly relate to how certain family members were portrayed. Loud, well-meaning, but sometimes awkward, not comprehending what the meaning of “vegetarian” is. The movie had me on board from the very start is all I am saying, as I could understand where everybody was coming from. And what’s more, all the actors did such a great job, they felt like a family.

And that is because of the superb script, written by the main star of this film – Nia Vardalos. Yes, she didn’t direct this film, but you can tell this basically “directed itself”, as this is a movie where the script reigns supreme. Nia obviously took a huge chunk of inspiration from her real-life family. But she wrote the script so eloquently almost anybody can spot at least one of their family members on the screen. And that’s not that hard, given how big the movie family is. She somehow managed to do, what other writers go for, but often stumble on. The golden rule of writing is “write what you know.” But a lot of time, people tend to write about everything they know and not trying to adjust certain aspects of the story or characters to the outside world to make it more “universal”. That results in unique movies, which have their unique voice, yes. But since you can’t relate to the characters or situations the characters are in (because it’s the writer’s world, not yours), it doesn’t connect with you as much Whereas this film and screenplay did this perfectly, as from the title it might seem this is a “Greeks only movie”, but it’s anything but that.

Another thing I truly appreciated about this film is how it doesn’t fall into the same traps I have mentioned prior. There isn’t any pointless argument between our protagonists, no drama, that would be there just for the sake of it or to give the movie some “stakes”. No, quite the opposite, every time you think: “I see, this is the time where XYZ happens”, as seen in countless romantic comedies before this one, it never happens. For example – the movie sets up a couple of situations where John Corbett‘s character is teased about him going along with everything Nia’s family wants him to do. Any lesser movie would make this into a conflict, but not this one. He is mesmerized by her, and he understands how important her family/heritage is to Nia, so he goes with it, being a supportive partner. And that was so refreshing to see.

The movie also comments on the struggle of immigrants and their children (first generational Americans in this case) and how much the parents had to sacrifice to get where they are and to secure their children, to give them a better life. But again, this was done subtly. The movie isn’t “shouting it from a rooftop”. I have also liked how the film deals with the sense of identity. Acknowledging where you come from is important, but you also need to consider where you live. You can’t stay in your “bubble” forever, you need to experience new things, cultures etc. I can relate to that, as these are not things you would often find in romantic comedies.

Overall, My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a bit of a miracle in the moviemaking world. Notoriously, it’s one of the most successful movies of all time, when calculated for the budget/how much the movie made ratio (the budget was $5 million, and it went on to make almost $370 million globally). I couldn’t be happier it happened to this film. But don’t get it wrong, this wasn’t a coincidence. Part of me hopes that people back in 2002 recognized this movie might not be the best one ever made, but it was (and still is) sincere, funny, intelligent and avoids the stereotypical pitfalls of the genre. After all, many romantic comedies get nominated for the best original screenplay at the Oscars. And deservedly so. I put this movie on to relax, and have a good time and I got exactly that and much more. If I truly wanted, I could probably nit-pick a few things, but I can’t. For me, this is one of the best romantic comedies I have seen in a while. It also goes onto my list of top comedies to watch if I need to cheer up.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I need to admit something – after everything I’ve heard about this movie, I was ready for one of those cheesy 80’s films that are not watchable today, where I will be bored for most of it. Boy, I was so wrong. This film has surprised me in several instances, where ultimately, I had a much better time than expected. Does it hold up today? Largely, no. But can you still have fun with this film? Absolutely. And the best part? Surprisingly, the pacing.

Where Flash Gordon might lose some points for the laughable CGI (that must have looked fake even during the movie premiere back in 1980), it immediately gains more points for how fast the story moves along. I believe we don’t spend even ten minutes on Earth before we go to space. The story kicks in almost instantly… who cares that it doesn’t make sense? That there is some arbitrary time limit before the Moon will fall apart…? Flash Gordon is a rarity because plenty of times, I struggle with pacing with these movies, as filmmakers “in the ye olde days” usually took their time establishing everything. Not in here though, it honestly felt like we were thrown in the middle of the action from the very start. That was something, I truly appreciated.

Also, I wasn’t prepared for how surprisingly sexy this movie is. For all the talk about how campy this film is, how dated it is etc., nobody ever mentioned the literal harem of women (that belongs to Max von Sydow‘s character, The Emperor Ming) that is “lead” by the stunning Ornella Muti. I have always known her to be a stunning woman, but I had never seen her when she was young (in here I believe she’s around 24 years old) and yeah, what a stunner. Speaking of stunning women, Melody Anderson isn’t too sore for the eyes either. Even though her character is just there to fall for our “all American hero”, Sam J. Jones. And talk about a perfect casting choice. If you asked someone: “How would the most stereotypical American guy from the 1980’s look like?” Sam J. Jones would have been THE prototype. Blond, athletic, patriotic, ready to die for Earth… what else do you want?

Who I also didn’t expect to show up here was Timothy Dalton. If somebody told me he got the role of James Bond based on how charismatic he was in this film, I would believe it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think Timothy has a lot to do in this film, but he oozes charisma and charm. And that can be said about most people in this movie. Don’t expect any great performances here. Even usually reliable Max von Sydow isn’t that great in this film, but I wouldn’t blame him or anybody else. You know the movie had some issues when the director Mike Hodges says, and I am paraphrasing here:

Flash Gordon might be the only improvised $27 million movie ever made.

Mike Hodges, source IMDb.com

But despite everything, despite the laughable CGI, questionable acting, and von Sydow playing a character called “The Emperor Ming” (again, we can’t judge a movie from 1980 by today’s standards), this movie is still fun to watch and honestly, it flies. I think this might be the best example of “the magic of movies” I’ve seen in some time. Because if somebody were to describe this movie to me, I would be willing to bet this wouldn’t work today. And yet, I had a good time with it. Because of pacing, charismatic cast, killer Queen soundtrack, as let’s face it, music by Queen could improve anything that’s just a fact. But mainly how the movie doesn’t take itself too seriously (at least I never got that impression). Yep, honestly, that surprised me too.

Overall, Flash Gordon is one of those films where it doesn’t matter how many things you might have heard about it because it demands to be seen. This movie is the epitome of “you’d have to be there”. Yes, everything is “slightly” all over the place. Mainly the CGI was out of date even when the movie was shooting, so imagine how laughable those effects look today. But there was this level of honesty, something, that said: “Hey, we know how this looks, but we are trying our best.” I can’t put my finger on what exactly made me feel this way, but that’s “the magic of movies” to me. Sometimes, a film shouldn’t work at all, and yet, despite everything, it kind of does. And what I mean by that it’s not a total disaster. I want to make it crystal clear Flash Gordon isn’t some “forgotten masterpiece”, no. But if you watch it expecting a bore-fest, you might be in for a surprise. At least I was.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke