Zack Snyder and I have had one heck of a relationship. I would still consider myself a fan despite his last couple of movies and having many issues with the current “version” of Snyder. I can still go back and enjoy his earlier films like 300 (2006, my review here), which would still unironically be in my TOP 15/20 favourite movies of all time. But with his recent directorial work, I find myself, quite frankly, bored with Zack due to one massive issue I have noticed. He is stuck. And Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire (what a title I will just use Rebel Moon from now on) is the latest example of that.

When I say “stuck”, what do I mean by that? It’s kind of you to ask, stranger. For me, it’s about how everything he does is predictable. Every shot you see in this movie, you have seen it before. Every slow-motion we got here, yeah, we had seen that many times. All the characters? Copies of copies from other movies. I understand this is a literally rejected Star Wars script that even Disney took a look at and said: “Nah, we aren’t making that.” so to complain about lack of originality seems pointless, but… You have to give me something to shut me up. I approach every movie with the idea that I can forgive many things, from lack of originality to some continuity issues… I am a forgiving person. However, for me to be a forgiving person, you should give me something back, like an interesting story, unique characters, excellent camera work, awesome soundtrack… and Rebel Moon gave me next to nothing.

Also, just to clarify one thing. I know there are such things as “director trademarks” and how many directors use them throughout all their movies. Why do I harp on Snyder for being stuck with those? Well, it’s because what he does aren’t trademarks. They are techniques you utilise to tell a story. Yes, many people mocked the slow-motion in 300, but I thought that actually served its purpose by many times slowing down the action and giving us almost this comic book feel. But in this movie, the slow-motion is downright laughable, as one is just rice or some seeds being dropped to the ground…? I got the symbolism, but Jesus Christ, it felt cheap, predictable and laughable at that moment. What also irks me with Snyder and his films nowadays are the lenses he developed and insists on using.

This will be harsh, but I have to say it – can we please undevelop them? I don’t know about you, but especially in a sci-fi movie, I love to look around the frame and see what is “hiding” in the corners or what is in the background of every scene, you know, seeing the tiny details because that’s where the devil likes to hide. Unfortunately, with these new, super-duper-deluxe lenses, anything that’s not the centre of the shot or the focal point of that shot is blurry. I thought maybe my broadband was misbehaving as most of the background looked a bit blurry, and then I discovered no, that’s a feature, not a bug, as people in IT say. Maybe I am in the minority here, but I really don’t like that digital-like vibe. I can’t stand that I am forced to look specifically at this character or place on the screen without having the chance to examine the rest of the frame.

And again, that feels contrary to who Zack Snyder is because he has an eye for stunning visuals! In many of his earlier films, you had excellent scenes that you could frame and put on your wall. But in the Rebel Moon, those scenes became frames, as everything looks so digitally polished it’s like looking at AI art. It’s too “samey”, too perfect for me to like because once something is too perfect, it always lacks a personality or what I would call a soul.

This film, regrettably, lacks that soul, that personality it desperately craves. What’s worse, it’s not even “Part One” as it’s advertised. This entire movie felt like the first act of a film that would usually be 30/40 minutes tops. Here, it’s spread out into almost 135 minutes! What’s even worse is that there will be a director’s cut! For a Netflix movie!?!?! The same Netflix that will release pretty much anything you give it? Why? Is Zack Snyder just fucking with us at this point? Will all his movies moving forward receive this treatment? Or is it because he can? Something tells me it’s the latter, and I don’t like that reasoning.

Even the performances were “ok” at best and “what the fuck” at worst. I won’t name any names because I have seen most of these people in different movies or shows, and I know they can do better, so it’s not their fault. The same goes for costumes, you have some characters dressed as discount Star Wars characters, others like from discount Lord of the Rings movie, and then the baddies look like actual Nazis. This movie simply doesn’t gel well.

The only saving grace I could say is that some of those frames (not even full scenes) still looked cool (despite my issue with the blurriness of everything else), and it has some decent people, despite them being… let’s say, wasted in this. But other than that, I can’t give you anything else, because I had a hard time with this movie. Rebel Moon feels like if you take everything wrong with current Hollywood (over-reliance on CGI, everything looking the same, “Part One” movie, lack of any cohesive or original idea(s)) and wrap it into one-third of a movie. And that is coming from someone who used to be a massive defender and admirer of Zack Snyder and his style. Unfortunately, not only is his style stale now, but it feels that it’s going backwards and is devolving instead of evolving. I am a massive completionist, but even I doubt I will watch Part Two when it comes out, if ever. And that is saying a lot.

Overall, Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire is an unintelligible screech from what once used to be a great visual storyteller. This movie tries to be Star Wars, Seven Samurai (1954) and high-concept fantasy at the same time whilst giving you what feels like the first act of a really long and convoluted film. The film not only ends on a cliffhanger but feels as if a 12-year-old boy was let into a toy store and played with a bunch of expensive toys. Sure, I will be happy for that boy; however, if he spends $90 million (!!!) to shoot that incohesive mess and tries to sell it as “Part One” of a movie, I won’t be as happy with him, the same as I wasn’t happy whatsoever after finishing this movie.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Even though I don’t consider myself one of those who “live on the Internet”, I inhabit it and visit often. Therefore, it was next to impossible to escape this movie morphing into a meme. Why you ask, and why this film specifically? Hell, if I know, if you figure it out, what makes “the Internets” tick, please let me know as soon as possible. But I have tried desperately hard to put everything aside (all the horrible things I read/saw about this film, the memes, and my dislike of Jared Leto) and go into Morbius as open-mindedly as possible. I wanted to see for myself whether the hate was “justified” or whether people were too harsh on this film. After seeing it and almost dying of boredom, the reviews should have been much harsher.

It’s rare to see a movie like Morbius nowadays. And no, I don’t mean it’s rare to see a comic book movie; it seems like at least one is playing in the cinema every day that ends with “y”; we became spoiled by them. Spoiled by the overall MCU quality because even if you don’t enjoy some MCU films and there are genuine discussions to be had about the recent output, they have some standards. You can count on any MCU film to at least meet some level of quality, whether it’s the casting or the story; almost in any MCU film, you can find something decent. I struggled to find it here.

Halfway through watching this film, I realised why I was bored and not interested in it whatsoever. Morbius genuinely felt like a film that got lost in time, like something that was made in the 2004/05 era of superhero films, got postponed by 17/18 years and just got released because they couldn’t hold onto it any longer. Everything from the CGI to the story template screamed the mid-2000s; I was transported back in time, where the peak was the first two Spider-Man films with Tobey Maguire, and we mostly got comic book films like Elektra (2005) or Daredevil (2003) that just couldn’t hack it. And ok, I am being cheeky a bit; Morbius might have slightly better CGI. But I swear, if you were to have a movie marathon of early 2000s comic book films and slapped Morbius in the middle of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if some folks thought that is when the film was released.

And it’s mainly the poor storytelling we need to talk about, as the film offers no surprises. We have a man with a super rare condition, but watch out because he is super duper, ultra mega genius. But, get this, this genius doesn’t play by the rules and is looking for the cure himself, but that backfires. And now, this genius needs to fight the urge to be a bad guy but too late, as his best mate takes the special cure too, and now they need to fight. Literally, you can’t make it up, and what is worse, you don’t need to because you have seen this precise storytelling done approximately 245.329 times by now.

By far, the funniest shit was how the film was trying to convince you it was Marvel. From the opening “kinda” Marvel logo to that bizarre Spider-Man tie-in. I understand why they did it, and I know about the Sony/Marvel fickle truce, but Jesus, Sony, just… stop. Whoever is in charge right now must have the balls to admit despite all its faults, MCU knows what to do with their characters. Give the rights to Spider-Man and all his villains (including Morbo here) to MCU and cash it big or stay as “executive producer/advisor” if that helps you sleep at night. But yet again, you have tried something related to Spider-Man and yet again, it failed. I would love to have the “never say never” attitude many at Sony must have to keep on doing this shit, but it’s wise to stop at some point, touch grass and admit that there are bigger and better players. And giving (or selling) the IP to them would ultimately benefit everybody because then we could get a decent Morbius film!

Also, I feel like I must briefly mention the main star, Jared – if you are a fan of his, good for you. I won’t try to convince you otherwise, I just never liked him, and that is coming from someone who has seen him in many films, meaning he had many chances to prove me wrong. There are a few reasons I don’t like him, but the main one has to be a simple fact that I don’t find him to be a good actor. Every time I watched him on the screen, I could see the wheels turning in his head. It always feels like he has a checklist in his head, and going through the motions, he knows what to do/say to please people. It obviously must be working as he is still getting work, so what do I know, but he always seemed to me like an alien who had infiltrated the human race a long time ago but still hasn’t managed to convincingly portray a person. There is something majorly off about him, and I honestly don’t think he can act well, let alone be Oscar-worthy, so the fact he actually has an Oscar is insane to me. Good for you, you alien thingy. Well played.

My biggest frustration with this movie was that I could see, despite everything (the bad CGI, awful dialogue, questionable casting choices, no memorable characters), how Morbius’ character could be cool. How he could be intriguing, having to be a good guy at times and then the bad guy other times. And how the people who managed to make so many unknown superheroes and villains work on the big screen could make this one work too. I am not saying it would be a piece of cake for Marvel; no. Since we have had so many comic book films, it is becoming trickier to stand out. But this isn’t the way. I know this will (probably) never happen, and the rights will stay with Sony for the foreseeable future – meaning we might see another drama regarding Spider-Man and whether he will remain in the MCU with Sony making more demands. Only time will tell.

The only truly positive thing I can say about this film is that Matt Smith seemed like he was having a blast. Now, does that mean he was any good in this film or that it somehow improved Morbius? No. But it’s always nice to see someone in a bad movie who seems to understand precisely how the film will turn out, so he’s just there for that paycheck and the ride. Well played, Matt Smith.

Overall, Morbius is definitely one of the movies ever made. I really liked the part where he said: “It’s Morbin’ time!” and then he bit off the vampire’s head. Now, if you don’t understand the previous last two sentences, it means you are not up on the memes about this film. Most of the time, it doesn’t matter whether you know anything about a particular movie before you watch it, but with Morbius, you almost need to embrace the meme side to have any fun with it. And if you didn’t laugh reading those two sentences, don’t even waste your time with the movie. Because as unfunny and tedious as those memes have become, I guarantee you, this movie is much worse.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I remember seeing a trailer for this “masterpiece” back in 2012/13. And I couldn’t believe my eyes for two reasons. Number one, this might be, without any exaggeration, the most star-studded film of all time. I won’t even list them here; just go on IMDb’s profile for this movie and see how many names you recognize. And this isn’t one of those “before they were famous” cases either; most of the A-listers in this movie were already A-listers back when this film was being made. Some blew up even more now (like Jason Sudeikis or Bobby Cannavale). The second reason I couldn’t believe what I saw was this film looked downright insane. The trailer even gives you a sneak peek of all the sketches; therefore, you can tell this might either be one of the greatest comedies ever; or one of the biggest misfires in Hollywood’s history. It is unfortunate it became the latter.

The failure of Movie 43 can’t be summed up into one word or sentence. I can’t say all sketches went on too long, or they all were unfunny. No, that’s not the problem. The main issue I had with this film was the incontinency where some sketches dragged on way too much for an “alright” punchline (sketch “Homeschooled”) some weren’t funny at all (“The Proposition” or “Happy Birthday” sketches) and that one sketch I actually liked turned really fucking weird/racist (sketch “Truth or Dare”).

I think this film is the perfect example of how times have changed, and this came out in 2013! I can’t imagine a movie like this being released today, especially with some of these questionable elements, and I am somebody who always said nothing should be off the table, especially in comedy. But here’s the thing, this movie doesn’t show some racist elements to make any kind of point, it just does it to be edgy, and that is the difference.

While watching this film, I thought about this kind of “everything goes” comedy. There seems to be only one avenue that delivers it regularly and can still thread the line between offensive jokes and making a point – South Park (1997 – ?, my reviews can be found here and here). We can talk about the quality of the show now, sure. But one thing they have managed to do consistently over the years is never to go “low for nothing”. When the creators/writers had to delve into some questionable territory (and boy, did they do that over the years), there was always a point, some payoff. They never make a cheap joke for more serious topics without that joke or punchline going someplace else. And that is the difference. Context matters, and what you wanted to say matters too, and Movie 43 has some awful things for the sake of pure shock, trying to solicit laughter out of you.

There isn’t much else to say about this film, to be honest. This film will go down in history as one of the most insane examples of “what were they thinking?”. What makes me sadder than anything is the wasted talent. Imagine for a minute movie like this with all of these stars, what if it was any good…? Maybe if it had an actual interesting story connecting all of these sketches, this film could have been something fascinating. What if the title itself actually meant something? That is right, even the title of this film, Movie 43, doesn’t mean anything at all. It was just a random idea for a movie based on random sketches, where the core concept seems to be: “What if we got a bunch of celebrities in some sub-par sketches? Like those ones even SNL (1975 – ?) would be ashamed of?”

If there is one redeeming quality about this film, it must be the enormous cast where you inevitably find at least one of our favourite actors (for me, it was Halle Berry). And as luck would have it, she was a big part of the one sketch I liked until the very end. That is another thing I need to give to Movie 43; some jokes were funny. But in a film full of random sketches, 100 jokes per minute performed by some of our most talented comedic actors… something has to stick eventually. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and in this film, for 50 bad jokes and 10 “meh” ones, you get one that gets you. That ratio, however, is poor, and I would not recommend you to watch this film unless you are a weird person, kind of like me. Somebody who has heard about this film and is fascinated with movies; and just had to watch this disaster for himself to see how bad it truly was. As you can tell, yeah, it was pretty bad.

Overall, Movie 43 is one for the books, that is for sure. However, not for any good reason. I can understand how some executives greenlit this idea; after all, why not get 70% of current Hollywood stars, and put them in sketches where they all make clowns out of themselves? People will love it! Unfortunately, not if you don’t get the people something to chew on too. I could possibly see this working as a TV show, possibly airing weekly for most of the year, commenting on what’s happening… and I have just pitched SNL, haven’t I? Yep. On paper, it doesn’t seem like a bad idea, but when you think about it for more than two minutes and then read the script for those sketches, you might quickly go to the “yeah, we possibly shouldn’t have done it” camp. Movie 43 is an equivalent of a trash bin on fire that somehow manages to vomit all over you, and when the fire finally gets under control, the trash bin says one or two racist remarks. I can’t recommend this film to anybody.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

There are cases where remakes improve upon something the original film was lacking. Like acting performances, better effects, a new way of telling the story, giving it a fresh, new perspective. And then, there is this remake that changes one minor detail and calls it a day. And it doesn’t have the balls to go all out. Welcome to the new, sanitized Pet Sematary. Don’t stay for too long. Trust me it isn’t worth it.

Where this remake is better, no questions, are the performances. Everybody from Jason Clarke to young Jeté Laurence they were pretty great. Too bad the rest of the movie didn’t catch up to their standard. As a person who watched the original Pet Semetary (1989, my review here) shortly before watching this film (because that’s how I try to roll), I can compare and see how different people approach the same story. And here, it is fascinating how they managed to take a great premise and put it through something I call “2010’s horror filter” (trademark pending). What is that? I am so glad you asked. The problem with most horror movies nowadays is simple. They all look the same, they all feel the same, they all rely on the same cheap jump scares. Once you see a couple, you have seen them all. I have always hated jump scares because, for me, it always felt like cheating. Imagine if a stand-up comedian tickled you after every single joke. Not only it would be weird, but did you laugh because they tickled you or because the joke was funny?

If there was a story that lends itself to a creepy, unsettling atmosphere, you could build up throughout the film and escalate towards the end, it was this one. But no, what we got instead is the same old stuff. Except here, the people behind this remake have made some changes… well, one major one and one minor one. To talk about them, you know where I need to go, so…

Beware, SPOILERS are coming!

The first thing they changed was who died. It’s not the son but the daughter. As it was easier since she’s played by an older actress so they could shoot more with her. And also, avoid replacing her with a plastic doll, as the original film did. Ok, fair enough, but is that enough to warrant a remake? Nah. The minor thing they’ve changed, for almost no reason, is the neighbour and the entire storyline/relationship with the family. In the original, we see them interact and talk a lot, we see them bond together, so there was no wonder he would be there for them. Here, we pretty much skip that and see him sporadically. Plus, if I remember correctly, he is a bit of a dick towards Jason’s character, not telling him about the fact he will bring the cat back to life? See, it is such a forgettable movie I watched it only a few weeks ago, and now, I can’t recall a pretty crucial plot point. But I remember that bothered me, and in this version, he came across as more hostile.

But that is about it. The story plays pretty much the same, except what was only hinted at, at the end of the original (three not-so-dead people) this movie took and run with, so this film ends with everyone but the youngest son being not-so-dead, and they start to surround him. My main issue with this film is the following. They put this movie through the “2010’s horror filter” (trademark pending), and because of that, it has nothing going for it. There is no underlying creepy or unnerving atmosphere throughout the movie. There is no style. Yeah, there is the procession of kids wearing… I guess “creepy” masks, but that’s being “forcibly creepy”. What plenty of modern horror movies don’t understand is that oftentimes, the simpler you do things, the better the result. People don’t need to know everything. Sometimes all it takes is to hint at some things and move along.

I was going to call this movie “one of the worst remakes of all time”, but… As luck would have it since then, I have actually watched another horror film (original and remake back-to-back), where the difference between the original horror film and the modern remake is so striking, it made me almost sad. You will see those reviews soon. For now, I will give you a hint it’s a movie with a holiday season and a colour. 😉

Overall, Pet Sematary was a let-down. The only thing, which saves this movie from an even worse grade, are the actors. But even they don’t deserve to be in a remake like this. It’s as generic as they come, it wastes the delightfully creepy premise of the original film and tries to earn your respect with a bunch of jump scares that work for two seconds. I don’t think this is worth your time.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

I will be honest I wasn’t planning on writing a review, as I am after a night shift. So what does one do when he is after a 12hour night shift? That’s right, he (or I, in this case) watches something light, something you don’t expect too much from, like The Voyeurs. And holy shit. The moment this movie ended, I knew I was writing something down because I just had to vent. I don’t normally copy and paste the synopsis, as that’s not what my reviews are about, but this is a new film, and I will almost immediately go to spoilers because there is no way to discuss this movie without doing so. This is to give you just a summary of what this film is about.

Pippa and Thomas move into their dream apartment, they notice that their windows look directly into the apartment opposite, this will set in motion a chain of events that will lead to disaster.

Synopsis of The Voyeurs, source: IMDb.com

Sounds pretty intriguing, right? Maybe a new spin on Rear Window (1954, my review here), plus if you watched any trailers, it’s promising to be a bit steamy with the gorgeous Sydney Sweeney in the leading role, so what is not to love here, correct? Well, it turns out you can’t just base your film on twists, nudity and more twists. Or at least, you can’t start from that place. And this film is the perfect example of something that feels like the people behind it started with a few twisty ideas on some old norms, but… Do you know how they say too many chefs can spoil the soup? Well, too many twists can kill your movie. Ok, I can’t hold it any longer…

Beware, SPOILERS are coming!

The movie starts promisingly, especially if you have a weakness for Sydney Sweeney (whoever says they don’t is a liar) as she tries her hardest in this film. But even she couldn’t make this work, but I can’t blame her or any other actors involved. Because this whole movie is a glossy mess, masked as a deconstruction of the “voyeur” genre. Aka, what if we take the rug underneath the voyeurs? Yes, the movie tries so hard to distract you with gratuitous nudity to serve you a story that’s trying to be so, so clever. But here’s the thing – the more you think about the story, about all the moving parts of it, the less sense it makes.

So, the big idea is this – Sydney’s character becomes obsessed with watching their new neighbours across the road. Her boyfriend (Justice Smith, whose “voice choice” puzzled the fuck out of me, to be honest) is kind of game at first. They discover the husband (Ben Hardy) cheats on her wife (Natasha Liu Bordizzo) with models, as he’s a famous photographer. Then one night, they manage to sneak a tiny mirror into their flat on Halloween (I didn’t even know whether it was Halloween or just some other party where people are dressed in costumes). Yes, a mirror because Justice Smith is an audio guy who knows how to spy on people using a laser. Yes, because apparently, if you flash the laser into their flat and it bounces back from the mirror, it transports the sound waves…? (I need MythBusters on this, ASAP!!) Anyway, from then on, Sydney and Justice have not only visual but also audio means to spy on their new neighbours. And this is where they discover that they fight a lot because she suspects him of cheating, but he gaslights her quite effectively.

A few days later, the first TWIST. Of course, Natasha comes into Sydney’s work (she’s working for a company that tests people and gives them prescription glasses) for a check-up. And at the end of that check-up, Natasha asks Sydney out because she seems cool…? Yes. That happens. So, what do you do with a stranger you’ve never met before? You go to a new spa with them, so you can sweat in a sauna and then be butt naked with them in the pool later on, duh. This is where she reveals to Sydney how she feels alone etc. Cool. Weird, but ok. She also mentions how she’s so bad with technology where she has got this new Wi-Fi printer (remember this tiny yet convenient detail for later), and she doesn’t even know how to set it up. After this, Sydney feels morally obligated to tell her that her husband is cheating on her. She discusses this first with Justice Smith, who wants her to stop watching the neighbours and let it go (he sounds clever). But of course, she doesn’t. Do you remember the Wi-Fi printer? Yes, the following night… or a few nights after (I have no idea, as the movie is not great with time), Sydney listens again, but this time, she prints a document to a wireless printer. And then, she tries a second one and surprise, that’s Natasha’s printer! (Btw, as an IT guy, it hurts to see somebody, who somehow manages to print using a printer, that’s A) not part of their network, and B) most importantly, it’s solid 40/50 meters away.) So this is how Sydney informs Natasha that her husband is cheating on her. Natasha snaps and tries to kill him just to chicken out and break down. Justice Smith is displeased, Sydney isn’t. God is dead, let us move on.

The next morning, Sydney and Justice talk, where Sydney promises to stop altogether with this shit, but of course, she takes a glimpse and bam, the second TWIST! Natasha killed herself! Now, Justice is like “bitch, I am so out, you are on your own!” and leaves Sydney. A couple of days pass by, and one night, Sydney yet again can’t stop spying on the grieving neighbour (what a psycho). And she spots him going down to a bar. So, what do you think happens next? That’s right, she dresses up and goes to the same bar. He notices her eye-fucking him from 10 metres and sits down, with his “porn is great and there isn’t a difference between a vibrator and penis” speech. Just as a side note – 9/10 people, who at some point in their life talked to a real woman for the first time, don’t recommend starting a conversation like this. The one person is Ben Hardy because if you look like him, you can pretty much do whatever you want, as anybody will want to jump on your dick, no matter what you say. Or you know, do, as they saw you cheat on your wife. Moving along. He invites Sydney to his flat, where he starts taking pictures of her. And yes, you guessed it, they both undress, sex ensues. But wait, at the same time, Justice is back in the flat, takes a sip of juice in the fridge (remember this tiny yet convenient detail for later, #2) and sees Sydney banging him. So we see him crying. A totally normal thing to do. At this point, Satan is also dead, and hell froze over.

Moving on, the morning after, she wakes up, dresses up, and goes back to her flat, where, shazam, the THIRD twist. Justice Smith hanged himself! I think it was at this moment, I knew. I knew this movie was going to be a mess and not the enjoyable kind. So we see his funeral Sydney is super sad. A couple of days go by again, Sydney bumps into her friend. She tells her the entire story. The friend tells her it wasn’t Sydney’s fault (spoiler alert, it was, you lying no good friend). Sydney wishes she could just see Ben’s character one more time, for… reasons…? The friend says to go for it, and this is when she remembers that today, it’s his gallery thing he told her about. So they both go. In here, this is where the movie went from “bat shit crazy” to “the actual fuck is happening here”, as voila, the fourth TWIST! Natasha, Ben’s wife, isn’t dead! And the voyeur(s) became the ones who were watched. As of course, they own the flat Sydney and Justice moved into, and they had cameras set up to take pictures of them, as they were watching them! At this point, I swear I heard Buddha saying: “Peace, I am out. I am usually a patient man, but that’s some bullshit.” So Sydney is the main point of the exhibition. Well, her and her boobs.

Then we see the psycho couple trying to justify it in an interview. Saying how both Sydney and Justice signed a release on the last page of the contract to be photographed while living in the flat, so everything the crazy couple did, was cool. That is when we discover that bim bam bum (I am running out surprise noises here) fifth TWIST – he seems like a decent guy, and it was her, who is the bitch. Do you think that’s all? Nah, we still have some grounds to cover.

Sydney is moving out of her reality TV flat when she notices dead birds underneath the water feeder. Remember how I mentioned that Justice took the sip of juice just before he committed suicide? Well, he poured the rest of it into the water feeder. This is when Sydney realises that dun dun DAAAA, sixth TWIST! He might have not committed suicide at all! So Sydney decides to play her Wi-Fi printer schtick again while sending the psycho couple some spiked wine, as they follow her into her work, where she doesn’t get admission from either of them, that they have in fact killed Justice. But she’s really convinced. At that moment, whatever she put in their wine knocks them out conveniently at her work, so she can… BLIND THEM!

The movie ends with a nice gay couple moving into the ex-reality TV flat, where they comment on neighbours being weird. That is when we discover for sure, they are both blind, and Sydney is watching from the roof. Calmly walking away, while we see her in the binoculars. Yep, this is an actual movie. It got made by Amazon Prime. You can go and watch it for yourself. But I couldn’t recommend you doing that.

The Voyeurs is a film that wants to do something different. And I appreciate the effort. But when you are half asleep (like me, after a 12hour night shift) and the movie wakes you up so much that you can take it apart as the film is happening, even though it shows you naked Sydney Sweeney, something is very wrong. Not only there are way too many twists, but I honestly felt that every major decision the movie made, they went with the craziest, most unexpected thing. As if to say: “Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition! Sorry, I mean nobody will expect this turn!” But maybe, no one would expect it because thinking back to the story you decided to tell, it doesn’t make sense…?

There is also the thing about “the voyeur becoming the one(s), who are watched”. The movie tries to question the morality of this situation. And that’s a great question, which is totally undermined if you think about it. How? Well, let me ask you this. How come the psycho couple had the cameras already set up when they moved in? The movie wants to have its cake and eat it too. It’s trying to have some witty comment on “watching people is bad” as almost to give the psycho couple some leg to stand on, but do they? Because for them to make that point, they (Sydney and Justice) need to act on the urge to watch them, otherwise, they (the psycho couple) are the voyeurs who already set up the cameras and put it into their contract! This movie…

Overall, The Voyeurs, as you might have guessed, didn’t impress me at all. It’s full of hot, young, naked people and Sydney Sweeney on top of it. But it all feels dumb in the first half and batshit crazy to insane in the second half. The movie wants to have a message, but it doesn’t work. It wants to have a complicated, sexy, twisty story that also doesn’t work when you think about it for just two seconds… I can’t even say: “It’s so bad it’s good.” No, it’s not. It’s just a bad nonsensical mess that tries to lure you in with some nudity. But in the age of “the Internets”, you don’t have to watch an almost two-hour-long movie, that doesn’t make sense, to see some (albeit magnificent) boobs.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Holy… I mean… Where do you even…?

No matter how much I’ve heard about this movie, how weird, bad, chaotic it was supposed to be, nothing could have prepared me for the experience of actually watching it. It’s definitely a once-in-a-lifetime thing, as not only I don’t think I’d ever watch it again, but I sincerely hope there won’t be a movie like this made any time soon.

Super Mario Bros. is simply put an insane movie. If you think about it, the entire idea of making Super Mario into a movie from the start was questionable. How do you translate a simple game about an Italian plumber, who for some reason, is tasked with rescuing a princess, to a feature live-action movie? You either do it as close to the game as possible, making it into a fairytale-like story nobody will take seriously, or do what’s been done here and take just certain elements of the game and try to incorporate them into the real world. Well, except those elements are mostly weird, nonsense things, that ultimately have no impact on the story and are just there, because of… reasons, I guess? (Like Toad being a guy, who’s transferred into one of the henchmen, but he gets a harmonica, so we know, he’s the good one…?) And this is just one example of the chaotic madness, also known as this film.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt sorry for an actor, who appeared in a really bad film, so let’s just spare a moment for Bob Hoskins, who not only suffered a lot during the filming (just read it for yourself on IMDb’s Trivia page) but imagine him thinking about this film: “Well, I did Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988), and that worked out great, and this sounds really similar, it’s based on a popular video game, what’s the worst that can happen?” And to be honest, I can’t blame him, John Leguizamo, or any of the other actors, as they at least looked like they tried to somehow save this wreckage. And if anything, those two make it at least somehow watchable, because you can see them being related. Maybe not brothers, but uncle and nephew…? Yeah, I can see it. Also, I know this is not by far the most obvious issue with this movie, but to name Mario… Mario Mario…? No. I don’t know, whether the filmmakers had some orders from Nintendo directly to do that, or who came up with the idea that Mario is both the first and last name… But Jesus-bicycle-riding-Christ, that wasn’t even funny, clever or anything in between, just pure desperation. It’s almost like you let your nine-year-old pitch in one thing for your film because you want to be a great dad, and they suggest Mario’s full name like that and now, you can’t go back on your promise, because that would make you a liar. So you keep it, despite knowing deep down, this was a mistake.

I think the biggest problem this film has, and it pains me to even write this, is too many original ideas. I am not saying everything we see here is something never seen before, but the movie goes out of its way to introduce us to a new, edgy, adult-like world, that “makes sense” with meteors, dinosaurs, different civilisations and all we wanted was something simpler. All the gamers, who grew up playing the Super Mario games, they just wanted a simple movie about an Italian plumber, who goes on a quest to save a princess. Maybe some tubes might have been involved, maybe pair him up with his brother Luigi later on, possibly introduce some of the fan favourites on the adventure… The more I think about this movie and how it turned out, the more we should appreciate movies like Sonic the Hedgehog (2020, my review here). I will be the first to admit that the movie was quite fun, even though it didn’t bring anything new to the table and for me, it was overall an average film. But at least it was watchable, it wasn’t boring and on the world-building side, it was actually pretty decent, as the movie established its world, the characters, and even teased some other characters, who will appear in the sequel. Yes, this one teased the sequel that never happened too, but that’s pretty much all these two movies have in common.

Overall, whatever you heard about Super Mario Bros., I don’t think you (and by you I mean anyone) are ready to see, what this craziness entails. I’ve heard a lot and yet, I couldn’t believe how the movie played out, how all over the place it is, and most importantly, how little fun or joy was involved. There are some people, who almost make a hobby out of seeing bad movies and loving them because they are bad. And all power to those people, if that’s your thing, go for it. Believe it or not, even I can sometimes give in to a crazy, objectively bad movie, if I find some method to the madness that allows me to enjoy it more than your average moviegoer, but with this film… No such a thing. Super Mario Bros. is a horrible example of somebody, who doesn’t understand the material (or maybe what the fan base of the source material expected) and making something their way. This movie is only saved by the main duo from a total failure and some so-bad-it’s-laughable scenes. But in all honesty, I can’t see myself re-watching it, maybe ever. And even that might be too early.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

You know when you are watching a trailer for an upcoming movie, and you can just tell it’s one of those films, that’s only been made because the main star is “so hot right now, like OMG, easiest money ever made, LOL” and everything about it looks really, really fake/digital, it hurts? That’s how I perceived Dolittle. Everything from the generic looking posters to generic looking trailers, screamed disaster to me. But here is a brief inside into my mind – even though I’ve heard after it came out that it truly was poor, bad, generic etc., I still wanted to know/see it for myself. Because, how bad can it really be? Unfortunately, after watching it, I know the answer to that question.

Really bad. Like, this is the type of movie, that makes you hate the executives in Hollywood, that thought this was a great idea. I understand the entire Hollywood is money making machine. But there are movies that are trying to be more than that and they give you something – they make you laugh, cry, make you cheer for different coloured aliens and superheroes in spandex, all that is great, when done right. They entertain you. Then, there are some other movies, where you can tell the money, the desire to cash in on some famous names was the number one, two and three concern and everything else was pushed aside. Try to guess what category this film falls under…?

And to think when it started, I was actually interested. I really liked the first 5 minutes or so, the simplistic, yet beautiful animation style that was used to clue us into the movie, really worked for me and I wished they’ve done the entire movie like this, instead of everything (background, the animals) looking faker than Robert Downey Jr.‘s enthusiasm for the actual movie he was in. I swear you can tell in some scenes even he knew that he’s doing it for the money and best he can hope for is his fans not watching this film, or quickly forgetting it. Because that is what this film is, if you boil it down – looks fake, forgettable and most importantly, boring. There are bunch of funny people voicing the plethora of animals (from Kumail Nanjiani, Tom Holland, Craig Robinson to John Cena just to name a few) and the script doesn’t give them anything remotely funny to say, mostly it’s the same jokes you know or would expect from “family movie of 2020s”.

I think the only chance this movie had was do something bold, like having this stellar cast and instead of investing time and resources into the bad CGI, have the entire movie animated, like the opening sequence. Then, you would at least had something, you can somehow enjoy it visually, even if the screenplay is weak and the story is predictable. But since the movie managed to pay a lot (I presume good chunk of the movie’s budget went to Downey) to have Iron Man on the screen, they needed to showcase him as much as possible. And yet again, studios have learned the lesson that we didn’t like “just” Robert Downey Jr. (even though he seems to be a pretty likeable guy) but we like him in movies, that give him something to do. Building a movie around one person and banking on “he’s the hottest thing, his movies are making bank, this sure can’t fail” is just a flawed technique that yet again, led nowhere and ultimately lost a lot of money. According to BoxOfficeMojo, the reported budget for this movie is around $175 million. These budgets usually do not include the massive marketing (and this movie was advertised everywhere pretty heavily) so I believe it’s safe to assume the actual budget was easily over $200 million. And it made $245 worldwide. That sound good, right? Well, around half of the gross goes to the cinemas. And the rule of thumb is the movie only becomes profitable (because you don’t just want to break even, you want to make money, as with any business) when it earns roughly 2.5x its budget. So yeah, I can see this film loosing the studio around $200 million easily, as even if we just take the $175 million, it would have to make more than $500, and that’s being conservative.

And honestly? I know we should be rooting for all movies to succeed, as plenty of people worked really hard on this one too, I am sure of it. And I don’t want to slam their hard work, no. But this movie was bad. Everything about it was lazy, it felt rushed almost like they made it in 30 days just to get it to the cinemas as soon as possible. The only positive thing I can say about Dolittle is it was fairly short and the opening sequence was cute. The rest of the movie… just didn’t work for me at all.

Overall, Dolittle is one of those films, you just can see fail from the first moment you hear about it. But if you are like me, the curiosity gets the better of you, because you don’t want to judge something based on how it looks (after all, I am strong believer in “don’t judge a book by its cover”) so I needed to see this for myself to know, how bad can it get. It can’t be that bad, right…? Yeah, it can and what’s worse, it can be a really boring film, that’s not saved by anything – Downey, bunch of celebrities voicing animals, the action, that just doesn’t look real. I can’t see a world where I would be in any rush to re-watch this.

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke

Where to even start with this one…

Let me clarify one thing – I went into this movie expecting “lesser” film experience, as I have heard stories about how bad Street Fighter is, but deep down, I know I have a soft spot for cheesy, “it’s so bad it’s good” kind of movies, especially from the 80’s and 90’s, as those are the movies I grew up on. But with this one, it’s just so over the top bad when comes to… well, everything, I can’t even enjoy it for how bad it is. There are now stories how Jean-Claude Van Damme was… not on his behaviour on the set, to put it very mildly (and you don’t even have to google hard, it’s all there under Trivia section on IMDb) and how because of it, everything was delayed, or rushed… and you can definitely tell.

I think because of Street Fighter I have finally realised, why is it that I can enjoy some “so bad it’s good” movies and not others. That’s because those movies are not equal and the “enjoyable” bad movies in my eyes, have most of it right, but they might have one or two elements that’s dragging it down (usually it’s the over the top acting, cheesy dialogue, bad CGI etc.) But as long as all the other aspects of that movie somehow work, you (or I) tend to forgive those movies, as you can acknowledge that sure, the dialogue/acting/CGI is bad, but the other elements are alright, and overall that “spice” of badness makes it somehow more enjoyable. It’s like having a scar on your face. Sure, when you spot it the first time, you think to yourself “damn, that’s not supposed to be there, I wonder what happened” but ultimately, it gives you extra character (perfect example is Michael Kenneth Williams – great character actor, who made his real life scar into a benefit, rather than disadvantage, making it work for him and giving him and all his roles that extra level of character) and people love character. But if most/all the elements of your movie are somehow wrong or not working (as with this movie), it’s really hard to root for this movie, or to enjoy it for being bad.

And almost nothing works here – from over the top performances, to bad CGI, bad dialogue, really boring storyline (I mean, it should be street fighting movie, why do we deal with warlords and army…? Why?) and the only bright spot is Raul Julia, who is putting in an alright performance. I love him as an actor and he is by far the best one in this movie, but I do believe most of the “praise” he’s getting on the Internet, is due to the fact of his unfortunate passing and the struggle he had on the set, as he knew and everybody around him knew, he was dying from stomach cancer. And from the stories I have read, despite everything he was going through, he was the perfect professional on the set and that is admirable. So what I am trying to say is yes, he is definitely BY FAR the best actor in this movie and you can tell he’s the only one, who kind of realises “the quality” of the movie he was in, so he was at least trying to have fun with it, but don’t get fooled by some people on the Internet, that he somehow saved this movie. Unfortunately, he wasn’t that great. But more importantly, it wasn’t his job to save this movie, or to make sure it was watchable and he is not the reason this movie ended up the way it did.

Who I also wanted to mention is Ming-Na Wen who is playing Chun-Li. I thought she looked familiar, but couldn’t place her face, so I looked her up on IMDb and not only she is “Fennec Shand” from The Mandalorian (2019 -, my reviews can be found here for the first season and here for the second season), but she’s aged like a fine wine, as she was around 30 when she made Street Fighter, that means she will turn 60 in 2 years and if you see her in The Mandalorian, you would not have guessed it. My only wish is to look half as good as her when I will be her age. Also, just an important side note, her acting is definitely much better in The Mandalorian than in this movie, but that almost goes without saying, as I don’t think she had plenty to work with here in the first place.

I honestly went into Street Fighter with my brain “switched off”, hoping to enjoy another cheesy action movie from the decade, that produced a lot of them (and most are beloved by me). What I got instead was a cocaine powered weirdness. Because you would at least think, if there was plenty of cocaine involved, the movie would be fun and fast paced, right? No, it’s the opposite on both fronts, it’s really slow, for what it is and really boring. I am not saying this lightly, because I usually don’t like remakes, but this should be prime material for a remake – something that exists, we have a film version that’s objectively bad, so let’s try to re-do it, but this time with people who actually love the material, who love the game(s), who care about those characters. Based on the trailer, it looks like we might actually be getting really good Mortal Kombat (2021) or at least that’s what this trailer is promising, so maybe, if it actually is a good movie, maybe we can try to make this one right too?

That’s all for this one! Did you see it? What did you think about it? Let me know!

Until next time,

Luke